When God Cuts You Down

2019 has overall been one of the hardest years of my life. I have struggled with so many different problems this year and it has been never-ending. Some I openly talk about and some have had to stay private as they are not mine to share but they daily affect my life.  This year summed up has been a year of pain. Just a few days ago I kept praying for everything to just be taken from me so I wouldn’t have to suffer anymore.

Matt gave me a blessing the other day and I was blessed with courage, help with fears and inner strength. I admit that I didn’t want to be blessed with any of those things, I was actually upset at first. I wanted to be blessed that all the hard would be taken away. Being blessed with courage means that I’m not done facing what I’m facing and I desperately want to be done. I had to do a lot of pondering after that blessing and I realized something. The things I’m going through, God can’t just take away. They are things that I must go ALL the way through. I can’t give up at this point. God can’t remove them but he can bless me to have what I need to face them. I love Him for that.

On top of the actual trials going on I’ve been having this awareness of my weaknesses. Fun right? I went through counseling earlier this year and that opened up my eyes with awareness. Awareness is great because you can finally see what has been holding you back for years, decades. It can bring a lot of peace and hope. The painful part of awareness is when you see yourself more honestly and see where you haven’t changed. I’ve been going through this. Having awareness of what causes my unhappiness but then seeing that I didn’t do anything different in my choices. Fears have also been being shown to me left and right. I keep seeing opportunities that I’m missing because of fear.  It hurts to see.

I have prayed and prayed and the other day while I was praying I was reminded of a talk by Hugh B. Brown. Elder D. Todd Christofferson shared it in his talk which is how I know it. I’m too young to have heard Hugh B. Brown speak. They made a Mormon message video of it as well. He talks about him being a farmer and cutting down an overgrown current bush down to stumps. He saw a drop on the top of each little stumps as if it was a tear and he thought he heard the little bush say “I was making such progress, how could you do this to me? How could you cut me down when I was growing? I thought you were the gardener?” and he spoke back to the bush and said “I am the gardener and someday when you are covered with fruit you will thank me” He was comparing this to how God sometimes cuts us down because he wants us to grow. He can see what we are meant to become.

As I was reminded of this story, while I was praying, I knew that that is what is happening to me this year. I am being cut down until I have felt like that little bush, asking why am I being cut down? After that thought, I knew by the spirit that He is cutting me down so that I can experience re-growth.  There is a new version of me that needs to have space to come. If I stayed as I was there would not be the room to grow into the person I am to become. He knows what he would have me become.

It sounds crazy to say, since all that I’ve gone through has been miserably hard, but it’s exciting that God, creator of Heaven and Earth, knows what he would have me be and is directing my life so that I can become the person he wants me to become. It’s exciting to get past a trial and see where I’ve come. I’m not done with my trials yet but I’m seeing immense growth that would not have come without the incredible hard experiences I’m having.

It’s exciting when you FINALLY see the blessings that He has been preparing. I’m at the waiting point but I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me. I’m so excited for 2020 and begin the process of growing into a new version of myself. One that I can embrace after all the pain of this past year. I'm so ready for a new year and to have a re-birth of me.