Rules

 This might sound unusual to some or make sense to others, but I have made up rules in my head. I made them up. Some I made up as a kid, others as an adult, and then my brain really wants me to live by them.

One day during counseling, as we were talking, my counselor brought up the fact that I was living by rules that I had created in my mind as a child. What in the world? He, of course, was right, but I had never seen it in myself before. It makes sense. If our brain is constantly trying to keep us safe and protected, when something happens in life, it's so natural for the brain to say, "we're never doing that again," and then subconsciously, a rule is born.

Our brain is supposed to do that, but mine went on a rule-making spree, and there are a lot of excess rules I've made up over time. As I've had anxiety most of my life, there were a lot of rules that were trying to protect me from feeling anxiety. The problem is, more and more things were making me anxious, and the rules to live by became a source of anxiety as well. I had so many rules I was trying to live by that I was more anxious. It can be exhausting to try to keep up with a rule-making brain. One big rule that my brain thinks is a good idea is to never do fun things or things that I want until all the responsible things are complete. Do you know how ridiculous that is? Responsible to-do lists never end. Never. I could do dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, bills, etc., forever, and never have the time to do the things I want to do. That is a rule my brain came up with that I have had to conscientiously push back on over and over.

Rules can be a really good thing, but if you have too many, they box you in until you feel trapped. It's hard to move forward. It's hard to do things you want to do. It's harder to be happy. As I became aware of all these internal rules, I started paying attention to what made sense and which ones needed to be let go of. My counselor at the time suggested that I write down the rules I noticed when they came up. It was eye-opening. I had this weird rule in my mind that I had to buy more than one thing at a store, like I'd be some sort of freak buying only one item. As soon as I realized that I had created that rule, I threw that rule out. There is probably some moment when that rule was created that would make some sense if I could remember the moment, but I can't remember. It's ridiculous when you say it out loud, but I'd been living for years following that rule without realizing it. I've got many more rules that I've had to veto, but they get more and more personal. More that feel too personal to share.

Not all rules are crazy. They are more subtle, or there are even good rules to live by. My awareness has helped me see what ones are good and ones that my anxious brain created to keep me "safe." Sometimes, with anxiety, my brain tries extra hard to protect me, and that is where a lot of the rules came from. As I've worked through many things, I am able to gently let go of old beliefs that were trying to keep me safe. The thing is, my brain is doing all of it out of protection. I've got to love a brain that's trying to protect me even though it's overzealous sometimes. I'm working on calming that down. Life is enjoyable with a normal set of good rules.