Blessed in the Midst of Trials

Where do I even start? It’s scary to open up to the world about my life because I’m a private person who doesn’t want any attention for what I’m going through but I’ve been prompted several times to share. So, here goes.

We are going through In Vitro Fertilization. [IVF] We are in the thick of it. For anyone who doesn’t know what that means, it is a method where they extract the eggs and put them with sperm in a lab to fertilize them and then when they are an embryo, at the right stage, they are transferred into the uterus in hopes of implanting.

We have been infertile for 13 years. Multiple times now different doctors have said we should do IVF. Every time we didn’t feel good about it and then both of our adoptions happened. Well, this time around it felt right to go down the path of IVF. I’ve been scared to do it. It involves a TON of needles and I hate needles. I am getting used to them though. Blessing!

I haven’t wanted to share about this process because it is hard, painful, and very personal. I figured I’d share when we were pregnant and it was all done, final and happy. It’s not done, final or happy. it’s still in the painful stages. I keep having these little tiny promptings though to share what I’m learning from all of this. To share the goodness of God that is happening in my life. I’m learning that life can be painful AND see the beauty of God in our lives. He is showing me how He can be in the midst of painful experiences.

You see, we have already been failing at IVF. I am learning that yup, we really are infertile. I thought after adopting our two kids somehow, our road of infertility would just end magically somehow. It didn’t.  A year ago began the promptings that we need to try for another child. It took me a FULL YEAR to go back to a doctor. We’ve done this so many times I didn’t want to do it again. Surprise, surprise, It led us back to IVF. Making that decision to go ahead was terrifying and at the same time, God granted me a lot of peace to do it.

To do an egg retrieval they have to over stimulate the body with hormonal injections to get the body to produce WAY more eggs then a female body is meant to produce. I had to give myself injections for 10 days that they monitor with blood draws and ultrasounds. Needles, needles and more needles. I never thought I could give myself a shot but I’m learning I totally can. I’m rocking it! I’ve experienced crazy emotions, fatigue, bloating, sickness, pain, you name it. It’s been a roller coaster. Through it all though we have been hopeful and excited. We’re going to get a baby after all right? We thought so.

I was so worried about all of this. I had Matt give me a blessing and I was blessed with courage and peace. I was also blessed that Heavenly Father was in charge and knew how many eggs we needed and he was taking care of us and to not feel inadequate. As Matt said that I thought, hmm, maybe we aren’t going to get very many eggs. Okay, I will keep trusting God. It will still work!

After the egg retrieval, we went from 12 eggs to 7 that fertilized then clear down to 2 that actually made it to the stage they need them to before they can transfer them to the uterus.  That was way lower than anyone expected for us. Two?! That felt so scary! What if neither one worked? I felt scared. I remembered that blessing though and that day of finding out, I felt totally overcome with a peace that this was right. I felt an assurance that God had been with us every step of the way. We would be okay.

We had those two little embryos genetically tested. They remove some cells from the outside of the embryo and they can test the cells to see if they have the right amount of chromosomes. If there are too little or too many then the embryo is considered abnormal and not ideal to transfer. It’s amazing to me what science in this day and age can do.

Here’s the failure part. Our doctor called and both of our embryos were abnormal to the point that they advised against transferring them. That was the worst imaginable blow. Especially since we just didn’t even think that would happen. It was the most gut-wrenching pain. I cried and screamed for hours. I had been a hormonal, emotional, sick wreck for a month and a half for all of it to go bad. We were in debt thousands and thousands of dollars. Surprisingly I wasn’t mad at God like I have been in the past when things go bad, but I was so confused. We had had a long list of instruction, inspirations and promptings and two little abnormal embryos didn’t fit into all of that.

It is in the depths of this pain that I am learning of the goodness of God. I cried for two days but then we had to pick ourselves up and start making decisions. We prayed like we have never prayed before. At some point Brynlee asked me why we were praying so much. What I knew was that God had directly led us down this path and we just failed at it. I didn’t know why but I knew He must have a plan for us. He knew what we needed to do next but I had no clue of what to do. We prayed out of desperation to know God’s will for us. We wanted to be on the path He wanted us to be on. I believe that God knows everything. That means He knew we were going to go through a failed retrieval. If He knew we were going to fail then why did we have to go through it?

Heavenly Father spoke to Joseph Smith when he was in Liberty Jail and he told him that “all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.”  After our failure, I have pondered that a lot. Why this for us? what about this failed round is for our good? Those days as we were trying to decide what to do next were actually really good days. Not because I was happy. I was actually a total wreck and sad but I felt the Holy Ghost with me more than I ever do. It was so constant. I was being carried through the pain of losing my two little embryos. I cherished feeling the spirit with me. It felt beautiful even though I was torn apart.

We decided to do another retrieval. The day we decided I felt excitement. I was excited to do shots again! WHAT?! It was the weirdest thing. I seriously felt totally excited. I thought what a crazy feeling it was for something I totally dreaded. I can’t describe it totally but I knew it was an answer I was seeking. It was good to go forward again.

I woke up in the middle of the next night totally terrified. That excitement had totally gone away and was replaced by fear. I was scared of failing a second time. I couldn’t sleep and fears kept going through my mind. I got up and started praying. Peace came over me. I came to a realization and a strength that I didn’t know I was even capable of. I realized that God was leading me down this path. As long as I followed, it was the right thing to do. No matter if there was a baby at the end of this or not God was still asking us to do this and it was still our path that we needed to be on. I made a decision that night that I’m desperately trying to hold onto. The decision is to keep on the path that God led me to even though I don’t know the outcome. There is a chance that this will end in failure a second time but I’m going to do it because God has asked me to do it.

We are in the middle again. I’m giving myself injections. We are scheduled for another retrieval date. It’s hard. I’m doing it anyways. We don’t know how this will end. We are in the dark moving forward. Here is the biggest thing that I have learned. God loves all of us. There are so many times in my life that I have felt small and insignificant. I have felt unnoticed by God. This experience has taught me otherwise. He has reached out to me as I have reached out to Him and I have seen how He cares so much for me and what I’m going through. He has sent SO MANY tender mercies to me. If I wasn’t looking for Him I wouldn’t see Him. It’s because I’m trying to stay close to Him in this trial that I’m seeing Him on a daily basis. If I hadn’t lived through this experience I wouldn’t know how much He cares about me. That is so worth it to me. Even a failed IVF cycle.

What keeps coming to my mind is that Heavenly Father wants all of us to know these things that I’m learning. Hard things are for our experience and our good. He loves us and wants to help us through them. If we are willing to look for Him, He is more then willing to shower us with blessings. It doesn’t take away the hard. This has been crazy hard for me every single day. There is fear of every single step. The hard doesn’t leave but He makes us capable to face it. God is good. He wants us to see that side of Him. He wants us to not feel alone or insignificant. He notices everything. If we ask He will accompany us. He is teaching me through the depths of fear and pain. I hope someone out there can feel His love through my words. He wants to be with you. He has prompted me to write this in hopes that someone who needs to hear that they are loved and not forgotten by God by chance reads this. He is there and He is waiting for us to reach out to Him. He knows us by name and He knows the details of our lives. This is what I have learned from failing at IVF.