A year ago I came to terms with what was happening to me over and over again through the last 16 years. I think deep down I knew it was depression but I would avoid outright titling it that. Maybe it felt bad to say I had depression out loud. I had a round last summer that was hard to ignore. It was clearly a dark time for me. I was truly depressed.
I read a book called Silent Souls Weeping, it's all about depression and people's experiences with it and there was this moment where I just knew I had been dealing with depression for a long long time. It felt so clear. I had no more deception but knew this was what I was actively facing. It was the first time I truly called what was happening to me by the correct name.
I fought hard to release this depression from my life and things were feeling better and looking up for me. We've had some tough times over the last couple of years and in April the tough times got tougher. We were put into a position where we had to choose to move out of our rental before knowing where we would go and also not having enough finances to actually move or to sign another lease. We were stuck. It became intense for both Matt and me and there has been week upon week of intense praying, planning, and searching for what we should be doing.
In the end, we chose to move out with no place to go. We moved into my in-laws' home. They are the best of people. I'm extremely grateful for their love and generosity. It is a good home to be at. It has also triggered a new round of depression. Not knowing what our future holds for us, not being financially as stable as we had hoped to be at this point, and not having the independence of living on our own have taken a toll on my mental health. I feel this need to be independent. I think it is a core part of who I am. I have always desired to be able to take care of our needs and to not being able to take care of our needs is really hard.
I have been recognizing that I have not been feeling the spirit like I am used to feeling. It's been hard and frustrating. This morning I began praying, asking why I wasn't feeling the spirit very well. a thought popped into my head. "Depression makes it harder to feel the spirit." It was so clear and I immediately felt this calm come over me. I have been feeling distraught lately and as I had that thought I knew it was true. I am once again experiencing depression. As I pondered that, I recognized symptoms I've had in the past, and then it felt clear. I knew what I was facing.
There is this awareness I have now that I didn't have in the past. I am aware of what depression is for me. It did require God to help me totally see it but I know what I need to do and the help I need to continue forward at this point. It helps me be kinder to myself. It helps me to do more for my mental health. I'm so grateful for this awareness and being able to call it like it truly is. No beating around the bush wondering why I feel so down and crappy but to just say, this is depression. I am struggling. Now I can take action on bringing myself out of it.
I didn't have awareness in the past and I would struggle and beat down on myself for my struggles. It feels so good to be in a place to see it how it is and just recognize that I need more kindness from myself and fewer attacks on why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. It's a blessing to see my depression this way. I don't love where I'm at mentally today but I am so happy to be aware and that I can accept myself how I am. I can accept this depression and work on ways to feel better. I accept the struggles. Depression isn't a great place to be but my acceptance of what is happening is.
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