Man, I'm in a pit. A dark, uncomfortable pit. We all want to hear about each other's lives unless it's uncomfortable. Listening to someone share a story about something exciting they just experienced is intriguing. You want to hear all the details and exclaim how brave they were or excellent their story seems. There are a few topics people just don't want to hear about. Depression is one of them. Depression is what I've got experience in though. I'm really good at it from my point of view. So I guess it's what I share.
How do you get good at depression? It's not that hard really. It's easy. Start with a situation in your life that you don't like and then pour many negative thoughts into the mix. Maybe feel trapped by circumstances outside of your control and voila. depressed. Maybe some offset hormones can really get things moving as well. It just depends on what type of depression you're going for. Sometimes depression just shows up for no good reason. It's just how it is.
I've got experience with this beast and you would think that having so many years being accompanied by depression would make me an expert at extricating myself from it. It feels like the opposite. Depression and I are on a first-name basis at this point. Every time I try to outrun depression it finds me so fast before I even talk myself into running. It is that cunning. Or maybe I'm lazy and don't like running so depression doesn't need to try that hard to find me. That might be about right.
I've worked really hard at thinking new thoughts. I've worked hard with counseling and life coaching. I go through endless journals working on this brain of mine and depression likes to shut down that process as quick as it can. You see, depression gets jealous. It knows you are trying to unfriend it and it doesn't approve. So then you continue forward with your dark little buddy that only wants it to be your only friend.
The thing is, I'm ready for a new friend. Hope or fun sound like good friends to acquire but depression feels like that is jeopardizing our friendship. It doesn't accept. Every now and again I try out hope or fun for a moment and I genuinely like them. I think we hit it off. They even stick around for a day or two and I feel free. I feel happy and joyful even. Did you know that depression can sniff out fun and hope? It has a sixth sense about stuff like that. Depression might take a little vacation every now and again but comes speeding back when it feels like you're cheating on the only friendship it believes you're allowed to have.
I have two kids and I regularly have to explain to them that it's okay to have more than one friend. Both children have come home from school disappointed that their current friend wasn't being their friend that day but wanted to play with someone else. I explain on numerous occasions that it's good to have many friends. It's okay if your friend plays with someone else because they are still your friend too and will play with you another day. Just like my kids, depression doesn't get it. It thinks that if I hang out with happy a little too much then we can no longer be friends. I'm okay with having many friends but my brain sometimes lets depression decide and depression usually says no.
Are you uncomfortable yet? knowing all these details about me and depression? I think it's okay to share but then once you outwardly say you have a relationship with depression people shut you down. They don't like hearing about depression. They also want you to remove depression immediately like it's a bad habit that you can remove any time you want. People like happy. That's an easier topic. The thing is I don't think that I'm the only one on a first-name basis with depression. I think people don't want to admit that they know it. I don't know why. Maybe if we could admit it more openly with more compassion maybe depression would feel a little smaller. Maybe it would lessen depressions hold a little bit.
When depression gets mentioned people fear that you are about to take your life and they have to make sure that you know how to deal with this monster and that it doesn't completely consume you. I'm here to tell you that you can experience it and not be on the edge of suicide. I've experienced both. I am that much of an expert on the topic by now. I don't need extra worrying for my life or my brain. I'm worrying enough to not need everyone else's. Some days I just need space to allow it to be by my side. I just need understanding from others that on some days depression is center stage and I'm going to let it. I just need someone every now and again to say it's okay if I'm not a rockstar that day and let me move through it at my pace. You see, I do move through it. It's just hard.
For now, I continue with depression by my side. I've started trying to find acceptance for it sticking around. No, I don't need to know every way you have discovered to remove depression from your life. It doesn't help to hear what you think I should do. This is my own monster to decide how to face and analyze. No outside help is necessary. Well, except for my therapist. He gets all the space he wants to help me. The thing is I asked him for help. Not the busybody in the neighborhood. So, I'm okay. I'm figuring it out. Well, in a depressed sort of way.
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