9 weeks ago was our egg retrieval for IVF. I had spent the previous two weeks doing medications, hormone shots, and constant appointments preparing my body. This was it. For the first time, I was kinda excited and had a lot of hope for this round. God had led us this entire path and I was sure that this was our time. We had 6 embryos and they were all growing. 6 may sound like a lot but in the IVF world, it really isn't. That number decreases over the course of five days before they can freeze an embryo. In our case, the numbers have drastically dropped every single time.
I got the phone call updating us on how many of our 6 embryos grew to the stage ready for freezing. Not a single embryo made it. This round just didn't work out. We didn't expect this to happen and our doctor did not expect this to happen. To say we were devastated is an understatement.
IVF has been a path of loss for us. We have undergone three retrievals and two transfers with no success. We were both so sure that this was it. This was our time for success. It has been a blow.
The very next day we went on vacation last minute. This loss ripped Matt and me open and left us so emotionally raw. We couldn't face all the things ahead of us or even face telling our families what had happened. We packed up whatever we could in a short time and left town. No plans, nothing. We just left. I will honestly say that my anxiety went through the roof to not know where we were headed or even where we would sleep that night but as we got farther from home it was exactly what my soul needed. A place to process what was happening. We went to Oregon and California. It was perfect.
Four days of distraction was so good but once we got home the depression hit me so hard. I've lived through depression much of my adult life and this loss triggered it more than I can say. We were at a crossroads of what to do and after much thought and prayer, we decided to be done. No more trying. No more IVF and no more hope to ever have a child through Matt and me. That was the ultimate trigger. For my entire life, I have had the dream of being pregnant, bearing children, and being a mother. I am a mother but it was not the way I had dreamed of. Adoption has been a blessing but it definitely doesn't heal the pain or longing that infertility creates. Infertility robs you of the hope and plans you may have had without you ever getting a say. It's isolating and blindsides you. Infertility is a huge empty hole that cannot be filled. It's just always there.
I know this is the right choice for now. I do know that I will heal. I'm getting help for the debilitating depression. I have an amazing counselor who is helping me work through the wreckage I am currently enduring. I don't know why this happened. This path has been extremely guided by Heavenly Father. I don't fully understand why we were led down this path of total despair. It hurts so much. I am trying to trust His plan for me. I have really wrestled with this. I've been so angry.
Going into this I assumed that if God led me to it then for sure there would be a success at the end of this road. I thought it was guaranteed, but it wasn't. I have had to learn that when listening to God and doing what he directs me to do, I do so without a guarantee for success. I do so out of my own free will. I realized a long time ago that following this path was the ultimate trust exercise. I did all that I felt I should do. I did everything I felt God wanted me to do and it ended with my arms empty. Have I been mad at God? sure. who wouldn't? but I know that following his guidance was right. Even if it has been incredibly painful.
Amidst all this pain I have to hold onto the thought that there is a reason for all of this hurting. For all the loss. There has to be a bigger picture here. I kinda expect that I can't see it now. Especially with depression clouding my sight but I wonder if in time I will see what God is doing with me. I'm still super sad. I don't feel so great but I'm trying to see the lessons that I've learned from all of this. I see how much I understand loss and grief from the last 15 years of infertility. I'm gaining empathy for others in their suffering. I'm learning from this dark place. It is dark but I am hopeful that the light will come again. I am trusting that better times are ahead and someday this will all be okay.
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