The very first time I saw a negative pregnancy test was almost 14 years ago. It was a shock to me and I was devastated. We had been married for three months and to be honest I was pretty naive about how complicated getting pregnant actually is. Now, 14 years later, I fully know the complexity of everything lining up just right but back then I didn't know. I just hurt. It's honestly amazing to me that anyone just goes and gets pregnant. I may or may not get jealous of people who have baby-making easy.
After that, the next negative came and another and another and another. I don't know how many dumb pregnancy tests I've taken in my lifetime but I have come to totally hate them. I got to the point where I dreaded every month when I would hope that it would be positive and again be disappointed with a negative.
It took a couple years before we learned that both Matt and I were infertile. That was a tough blow but at the same time, it gave me comfort to know it was him as much as me. We were sharing this burden.
I don't know that I've fully gotten over all those negatives. It does something to your mind when it keeps on happening. For me, I lost belief in my body even being capable to conceive. I built an emotional wall up to protect myself from the pain. I would tell myself that I was ok with how things were. It was a lie that I kept feeding myself.
Infertility can be a dark place. There's so much hurt and it affects everything you see. It makes it hard to go to parties, church, even family functions are painful. Mother's day was the worst. The list goes on and on. There was a point in my life that I was extremely bitter. I was mad at everyone and everything. I hurt so much I couldn't see past my hurt. I understand this pain. It's been my life.
To be totally honest, I still struggle with a lot of these feelings and struggles but the bitterness is gone. Baby announcements are still hard. I still want to be pregnant. That hasn't changed but I have definitely changed. Our story comes to include two adoptions of two incredibly wonderful children and we're currently in the middle of IVF. Our infertility story is not over.
Hope is what gets me through. It used to be hope in a child coming that I held onto. Lately, it's been hope in the Lord. Believing that as long as I trust in him I will be okay. Hope that as long as I keep trying and keep focusing on my savior I will have the assistance I need from heaven to keep going. This path has been heavy and for me, without the support of heaven, I would be drowning in all the heaviness it brings.
IVF has been one of the hardest things I have ever faced. We have suffered a lot with many failures going through this but it has also brought me undeniable experiences that God loves me. He is aware of what is going on. He knows the pain. As I have had my eyes opened to the love he has for me going through this I have had my eyes opened to the love he has for all of us facing infertility and our desires to have children. He loves us infertile people. I know this because he has shown me that love.
One night, after our first retrieval had failed in getting us any embryos I sat up late praying. We were starting a second retrieval and I was full of fear. Fear of the outcome. I desperately wanted a baby out of all of this. I sat there in my fear praying when I realized that God had directed us to do IVF but there was no guarantee of a baby coming from these efforts. We were hoping for it but God did not promise a baby to us. He simply directed us to do this.
As I thought about it I decided that if God had directed us to this path then he had something for us to gain. Whether it was a baby or not. He wanted us to do it. He wanted us to trust him and face this road of uncertainty. I came to realize in that moment that if he was asking this of us and it didn't end with a baby that I would be okay. Not okay for the sake of how bad it would hurt but I knew at that moment that God loved me. If he loved me and asked me to face this incredible pain then he was asking me to do it for a reason.
I decided right then that I would do this course whether I walked away with a baby or not. I would trust God and see what happens.
Since that decision, IVF has not gotten any easier. My faith has gotten a little stronger though. I'm holding onto it. I'm growing from this. That moment has brought me strength when I needed it.
I'm holding on to the belief that God has my best interest at heart. I trust that when I see his plan unfolding for me I will be happy with it. I will be happy in the end. Not today necessarily but someday. Someday this pain will end. Someday I'll heal from all those negative tests that have hurt me. It will pass. Infertility has become a pathway for me to see God in my life. I wouldn't change that. Even though I have wished over and over that I never faced this trial to begin with I see the good that it has given me. It has given me a relationship with my Heavenly Father. He has got this. And this time around I am choosing to trust him.
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