When we got married, I had all these expectations in life. We would have kids right away, the first home we moved into was our forever home, and we'd never go through unemployment or have to live with parents. It's laughable to see how naive I was in my early twenties. It's easy to think the best of everything is how life will go, but it just doesn't. Experience has taught me that.
We have struggled with infertility our entire marriage, we are on our third house, with several apartments in between, lived with parents twice, and we have had three rounds of being unemployed, with currently being on a round of being partially employed right now. Life didn't turn out like I thought it would when I was twenty.
Matt has been at his current job for the past two years after two years of being unemployed. It was super exciting to get a job, move out of my in-laws' home, and start to get our feet back under us again. We were in an apartment and getting back to life. It felt so freeing! We purchased a home last November and it really felt like we were moving forward on life!
At the beginning of February this year, Matt's boss said that their business was very slow and everyone's hours had to be cut. His boss owns a local store and also has a second business, which is a website that Matt works on and maintains. The news of fewer hours was a shock. His boss believed that it would last about 3 weeks. It has now been four and a half months. Some weeks Matt has 20 hours and others he has had 8 hours that he can work. We never know week by week how many hours Matt will get to work. This week he gets to work 16 hours.
We've had to be very frugal with the money we do have. We got behind on bills at some point, and it's been quite stressful to figure out what to do. We've been looking for a new job with no luck yet. There was three or four weeks where Matt was able to work full-time. We were able to get caught up on bills, breathe for a second and then it all dropped off again. Matt has found some work online that he can do when he doesn't have regular work hours but it's not always available.
It's been an emotional up and down time for us. I've had days where I'm okay, and days where I cry a lot as I'm stressed about not having enough money. Overall what I've learned from these last four and half months is all about faith. I've been getting taught in this intense time that we are being taken care of. Even though it doesn't look like what I want it to look like, we are still taken care of by God. I'm learning another level of trust that in the end, this is all going to be okay. Someday this is going to be a memory, not something that I am living through. That thought really helps me and I try to keep a hold of it.
I've realized that going through hard things creates who we are as people. It's an opportunity to see how we handle things that are difficult. Overall I've been okay. I've been really upset or sad which honestly is really understandable. It's hard to live without enough money to pay bills let alone needs or wants. I keep falling back on the proof I've had from past experiences that God is there, he is aware of what is happening, and ultimately he is taking care of us right now.
I'm learning to focus on things that don't require money. I'm finding joy despite the trial. There are rewarding things to work on even when things are tough. I'm grateful to be learning these things. I don't want to go through this and I really just want a new job to come but I see the value of what I'm learning right now. I know it's changing me. I'm okay with that. I'm willing to go through this as I see myself becoming a better version of me. But, I'll be really, really, excited when Matt gets a job too.
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