Another Failure

We found out Sunday morning that we aren’t pregnant. The embryo transfer didn’t work.

I can’t even express right now how all of this feels. I immediately started crying. I can’t tell you how many negative pregnancy tests I’ve seen in my life. My first reaction was to take a looooong hot shower. My mind was swirling all over the place.

What now? How do I get through this? We don’t have the money to do our last embryo transfer. We were so incredibly close to being done with IVF! I just spent the last month doing medications and injections for nothing! On and on and on. I couldn’t turn off the thoughts. The emotions were so raw. I hated feeling it all.

I hadn’t been planning to do a pregnancy test Sunday. We were praying Saturday night and I was praying about our results. We were scheduled to do a blood test Monday morning. I immediately had the thought to do a pregnancy test before Monday. I debated it a lot because I was totally scared of the outcome and I totally hate pregnancy tests. I kept thinking, what’s the point? I’m doing the blood test Monday, I can wait one more day to know. I chose to follow that little prompting and Sunday morning there it was the little negative symbol. My very first thought was I shouldn’t have done the stupid test.

Sunday was a rough day. I made it through a tiny bit of church and then decided that I just couldn’t handle it anymore without bursting out sobbing so I went home. I cried long and hard for a while and then I listened to an audiobook and cleaned the house. I was desperate for a distraction.

We had a family party Sunday evening and we chose to go. I wasn’t really ready to be around people but I also was not ready to tell everyone about the failure.

Monday morning we prayed a lot for a strong answer on what was truly accurate. We still held on to a sliver of hope that we could possibly be pregnant. We got the test results back and I was definitely not pregnant. My hCG levels were less than a 1. Crazy low.

I’ve been up and down. I’ve cried and been ok. I’ve been blessed with a large amount of peace despite the pain. It’s weird to say that the pain is all there just accompanied with peace. It doesn’t really make sense that those two emotions can coincide together inside of me but they have.

I am actually glad I did the test on Sunday. It gave us a day to be sad and talk and figure out what to do next. It wasn’t a shock to us when my nurse called to tell us about the negative. We had already decided what we want to do and that is to move forward. Not to stop or take a break. We want to finish this course.

Heavenly Father knew what was coming and it was actually a blessing that He prompted us to know one day sooner than planned. He knew we were going to go through this pain and that He couldn't change the outcome but He did know how to make it a little easier on us to cope. I'm grateful for that.

In a few weeks, we meet with my doctor to make a new plan of what to do before we try one last time. This is our last chance at a baby. It's all really hard but I know we'll be okay. I told Matt that we are becoming resilient. We have had a lot of failure in this process but we just keep going. We are on to our last shot and I plan to go forward just like everything else. With hope and faith that this may just work out for us.