My uplifting breakdown

This year, okay the past 5 months, have been months of change. Drastic change. It's insane to me the difference. The thing is, is that nobody can see it. It's invisible. I look the same, act the same, talk the same but I'm not the same. God has been changing me in a very real way and I'm just along for the ride. It's exciting, it's scary. Some days I sit and cry as its overwhelming and I feel a little lost in all the emotions and some days I'm crying tears of joy that God loves me so much to help me change. It's basically a roller coaster of emotion. It's worth every moment. 

Life before these 5 months was not ok. It's been really hard. I was going through a rough patch of no sleeping from being in a lot of pain from a dumb injury. I was a total wreck. I was miserable. I turned to God because that was the only thing I knew to do. I knew he would help me. I prayed to get better sleep. I fasted for better sleep. I had a blessing telling me that I would find ways to get better sleep.  I KNEW he would help me get better sleep. You know what? I don’t know how it was possible but it got worse. Way worse. At this point I was getting upset and angry. Why wasn't God helping me? Did he forget that sincere prayer and fasting I had been doing? I didn’t forget. I really meant it. I needed help so where was God?  

I had a breakdown. A week of total awful and raw feelings. I felt alone. My anxiety skyrocketed like it hasn't in years. I've always dealt with anxiety but this was awful. Panic attacks almost every day of that week. Poor Matt was probably exhausted from trying to keep up with normal life and have a wife going through a total breakdown. One day I stayed in my room for the entire day. I literally saw McKay maybe 20 minutes of that day altogether. He told me he missed me and wondered why he didn’t see me anymore. I felt even more awful.  

The end of that week I asked Matt for a blessing. The moment that blessing began, peace finally entered my very weary soul. The anxiety didn’t go away but I finally received peace. I finally felt not alone. I finally felt relief from the awful emotional pain. It was still there but a little dimmer. 

It took me a while to feel better. As I felt better I went into action.  I felt like that week was a wake-up call.

Around that time I was reading in the Book of Mormon. Something stood out to me. A parallel in Nephi's life shouted out that I was experiencing something similar. 

2 Nephi 5:1-2,27

 Behold, it came to pass that I, Nephi, did cry much unto the Lord my God, because of the anger of my brethren. 

 But behold, their anger did increase against me, insomuch that they did seek to take away my life. 

 And it came to pass that the Lord did warn me, that I, Nephi, should depart from them and flee into the wilderness, and all those who would go with me. 

 And the Lord was with us; and we did prosper exceedingly 

 and it came to pass that we lived after the manner of happiness.

Nephi prayed for his problems. He probably prayed for things to become better between him and his brothers. He wasn’t seeking escape. I bet he was hoping that it would change.

It got worse. So much worse the Lord had them separate themselves. After they separated, Nephi and his followers thrived.

This is what spoke to my heart that day. Nephi had a really hard problem, he prayed for it to improve and it got worse. The same thing that had just happened to me! Because things got worse they found a better solution. Separation really was the best solution for all of them. Nephi could live the way he wanted to and his brothers could live the way they wanted to. They wouldn’t have separated if it hadn’t gotten worse.  

This opened up a whole new thought process to me. What if when things get way worse it is to open up a way for the Lord to bless us? Was that what was happening to me?

Sometimes God allows our problems to get harder. He let my problems escalate. Not because he didn't love me but because he did love me. Because my problems became more severe,  I reached out to Him even MORE. Because my problems were so excruciating I have discovered more solutions that I wasn't even looking for. I am prospering. I am growing. Not because God answered my prayer for better sleep but because he allowed it to get worse. He loves us and is there even when it doesn't feel like it. He has a plan for us and it is to help us have the best we can have in this life and the one to come.  

Now that five months have passed I can honestly say that things getting worse really was to put me on a path to become better and to be more blessed.  I have had back problems for over 10 years now. It’s been pretty severe and debilitating at times where I could only lay on the couch all day. A year ago I had an injury that has been very hard to go through. I hurt my hip and knee really badly and it also hurt my back as well. Because of my breakdown I prayed and was guided to go back to the doctor for help with the pain. The doctor sent me on to physical therapy. The part of my body they are now helping me fix? My back. The pain I’ve endured for over a decade is finally getting fixed. Another prompting that came was to get a new mattress. We did that recently and now my hip feels better then it has in a year. In the end, I’m going to be in a better place than I ever was before the accident. Huge blessing for me. I’m also being taught how to manage my own pain. It’s saving me so much.

Another huge blessing that came from this breakdown was counseling. As I was in the middle of that awful breakdown week I knew some things needed to change to never have a repeat of that week again. I felt raw. So open and hurt and in emotional pain. A short while after that week I had multiple impressions from the Holy Ghost that I needed counseling. I admit that I didn’t fully embrace the thought at first. For whatever reasons I’ve had a negative stigma in my mind about counseling. The anxiety alone stopped me in the past from ever pursuing it. I chose to be humble and follow those promptings. I started counseling.  That has opened up a world inside of me that really needed opening. It is happier now than ever. Don’t get me wrong, life is still crazy hard but I’m gaining power through these things I’m learning. I’m learning to trust God in a very real way. He is leading me on this path. He loves me as much as he ever did, but because I’m opening up to him more, I am seeing his love more prominent than ever before. I’ve had my eyes opened up to problems that I wasn’t aware of. I knew there were problems but I didn’t know exactly what they were or how to fix them.  Problems are getting fixed that I have lived with almost my entire life. These breakthroughs would not have come if Heavenly Father had just helped me get better sleep when I asked for it. I needed this path. This path is what I want. That breakdown was awful and I just wanted it over with, but when I see where it took me I would have it no other way.

What I’ve learned is that hard things can lead us to blessings. Hard days are supposed to come and sometimes they have to be so incredibly bad that you pray to God and say where are you? Don’t you love me? When you reach that depth and call out to him I believe that he will show you he is there IF you pay attention. He hears you. He loves you. Don’t hate those bad moments because the bad moments are leading you to greater things. Don’t be afraid to tell God how you feel, how tough it is, or why it stinks. Get through those moments. Cry a lot. Then look around for what God might be trying to say to you.