Again

 I've been feeling pretty down all week. We met with a new doctor to look at doing IVF again. yup. Again. I told myself back in 2021 when things didn't go as we planned that I would NEVER do it again. Ever, ever, ever. Well, things change and here we are in 2023 looking at doing it again.

While the appointment was great and the doctor was nice it left both Matt and I with this HUGE feeling of sadness. We both felt incredibly sad and it surprised us. we expected to be just fine with doing a consultation. It's taken me several days to feel normal again and I've been pondering grief a lot. Grief is the sadness that has been weighing on top of us like a pile of bricks. Grief for all that we have lost but then I realized that it's grief going forward. I'm mourning again how infertile we are and how this wasn't my plan. 

It's interesting to me how I can pre-mourn our future. I would say that it's some super skill I have but I'm guessing many people are good at pre-mounring. I'm already sad that this is my path. I'm sad that I am thinking of going through all this hard again with the expectation of failure. I'm sad that it hurts a lot. 

What is starting to turn it around for me is praying to find hope. Praying to find some excitement. Why would I go through this again? to potentially have success! what if there is a little person at the end of all of this? then hallelujah! It's 100% worth it! What if there's not? then more sadness. My brain is really good at holding on to the sadness. It wants to prepare me for the worst. If I prepare for failure then maybe it won't hurt so bad. The thing is it'll hurt just as bad as I'm imagining. no saving me from pain. It's just adding pain to today. Thanks, brain. Thanks for trying to protect me but at the same time, stop it. I don't need to mourn what hasn't happened yet. I don't need to mourn loss that I haven't actually experienced.

so, I think I'm going to cautiously go forward. I'm scared of IVF but oh what if it is a doorway to greater joy? then I really want to find that joy! Until then me and my brain will figure out how to manage the sadness that comes and I'll keep reminding my brain that nothing bad has happened yet. Maybe that will help.