Temple

 Today is my anniversary of going through the temple to receive my endowments for the first time. It was 19 years ago. It seems like a long and short time ago. I was barely 20 years old. I don't remember all that I thought about it, but I know I was nervous. I'm sure there was some excitement as well. 

We got to the Idaho Falls temple early. They had a cafeteria, and we ate dinner before everything started. I remember having a hard time eating. I was so nervous! I didn't know what to expect, and eating a full meal felt so difficult! Then a little old lady was my guide, getting me ready and to the room for the endowment. I don't remember anymore who came. It was a lot to take in. I remember being a little confused and overwhelmed. Mostly, I was tired. We had been at the temple for hours by the time we were done. Afterwards my aunt and uncle had all of us over to their house for ice cream sundays. 

It's been interesting to reflect on how I have changed over the years in regards to the temple. As a young woman, newly married, and recently endowed, I didn't love it. I would go but I struggled with understanding it or enjoying it. I know I enjoyed some but I know I didn't go often because I didn't really want to. It was hard for me to sit still. I often got tired. 

I also have had times where I loved being there so much. I loved the feeling inside and enjoyed the peace and beauty of all the temple is. It would feel like relief to walk in the doors and let go of the stress of the day. Many times I've gone during really difficult trials, looking for answers. I love the feeling of the temple being even closer to God then outside of it's walls. 

I've received personal revelation in the temple, I've also experienced panic attacks in the temple, where it was hard to go for months afterwards for fear of more panic attacks. The panic wasn't related to the temple itself, it just happened to happen there. It's been a wide variety of experiences. I realize today that's why it's good to keep going over time. If I had stopped when I didn't enjoy it in my early twenties, I would have missed out on the beautiful experiences I've had as I've gotten older.

During 2020 when covid broke out the temples were closed. I bought a journal specifically for the temple. I couldn't go but I could still have temple like experiences. I woke up early so that I could be alone and I studied the temple in the scriptures, general conference talks, and any way that I could find. I would journal that experience. It was a sacred time for me. I still have that journal and sometimes I add to it here and there. It felt good to have some form of temple worship even though I was unable to be inside the temple.

Lately I've been in love with going to the temple. I've been trying to learn more about symbolism and to learn what all this means to me. I love what I'm learning. I recently started finding my own family names. That has made a huge difference. I have been finding women who need all of their temple work done from baptisms to sealings and I'm doing all of it. It has brought new meaning to me. I look forward to going to the temple. I'm grateful to have one in my town. I know many people don't have that luxury and I'm grateful that I do. I love the temple. I love being close to God. It makes me happy and it carries me through the tough days.