Depression

I've written about depression multiple times on this blog, and it feels fitting to write another blog post about it. For the first time in my adult life, I'm living without so much depression. Yay! It was a rough path to get to where I am, but I'm truly in a good place right now.

A year ago, I had some situations that created the worst depression I have faced. I fell apart. I watched so much TV, I can't even tell you. Okay, I can. I would watch a full season of Downton Abbey in one day. I literally couldn't function anymore than watching TV. I also did some watercolor painting during that time. Otherwise, I was in a state of depression that I couldn't get out of.

I think part of what made the depression so bad is that when I saw that I was dealing with depression, I decided that it was finally time to do something about it. I decided it was time to get medical help. That made it worse for a while. It caused my anxiety to skyrocket, which caused the depression to worsen. I knew it was time to do more. I had worked through a lot with my counselor, and we both knew it was time for something more for me.

Matt made a doctor's appointment for me, and we also scheduled a psych evaluation with a psychologist. It was time to find help and answers. In February 2024, I started on antidepressants. I had hope. I had a small shred of hope that things were going to get better. It didn't get better for months. I was so sick from the medication that I could only lie on the couch all day. I was nauseous, dizzy, and miserable. I was only on the first meds for a few weeks when my doctor decided to try something different.

Around March, I did the Psych Eval. It went smoothly, but it was exhausting to do the testing. At that point, I was on a new medication that also made me very sick. I was getting extremely anxious and panicky. I was having severe panic attacks. Matt called my doctor, and he had me take something for the anxiety. So I was on antidepressants that were making me more anxious, with anxiety meds to help with the side effects of the first medicine. That only lasted a few days when Matt and I decided that it was just getting worse. We called the doctor and said I wanted to be off of both.

I started on a third antidepressant. The side effects again were horrible. I was miserable. At this point, it had been months of being depressed and physically ill. We hadn't gotten to a medication that helped me, and I was done with it all. I got my psych eval back, and while there were some things I was sure would already be on it, there were others that I hadn't expected. It's hard to explain that while nothing was too life-altering within that diagnosis, it still was hard to receive. I had wondered for years what was going on with me, but to finally have it written down, it was overwhelming. The depression got worse for a little while. 

With my diagnosis, I switched doctors. I found a new doctor to go to, and the very first thing he did was have me do a genetics test to help him know how my body took in medications and what would be the best fit. I was so glad to have him approach it this way. The first thing we found out is that my body burns slower when it comes to medications. All that means is I can have a lower dose of medication, and my body responds well to it. When I was on the higher doses, I was sick all the time because it was more than my body could handle. This new doctor gave me the smallest doses and never changed anything too quickly. It was night and day. We went down on doses, and he also found a better medication that worked well with my body.

Things really started to improve. I was working through accepting my diagnosis, I had a doctor who was working well for me, and I truly was beginning to feel mentally more stable.  Things started to feel hopeful again. It has been so much better. I've spent so many years in depression. It's been my lens as an adult, and it feels so freeing to see hope and possibility in my life. I've been so grateful for where I am right now.

After getting over the overwhelm of my psych evaluation, I've been equally as grateful for that as well. It helped me see what is going on in my mind, and the awareness makes such a huge difference. It was well worth the effort to have it done. I am working better with myself and my brain than I've ever been able to do. I still have down days. I still have weeks when I've felt some of that depression, but it isn't all-consuming. It is often connected to a situation that I can work through over time. It's manageable now. I've never had that. It truly is life-changing, and it has been so exciting to see who I actually am now that I've uncovered myself from depression. I feel like a new me.