Was blind but now I see

Religion is a part of me. It always has been. I’ve participated in church services my entire life. I’ve never known life without it. Having it taken away from us for three months at first felt shocking but then we adjusted. It became our new normal. So many of us experienced this.

Today as I sat on the bench at church with Matt, McKay, and Brynlee I realized how much I had been missing this experience. As the young man in our ward stood before me with the sacrament tray my eyes filled with tears of gratitude and a feeling of relief washing over me. I was filled with a new sense of how important church is to me. What it means to me to gather together with other saints.

I pondered over the last three months and how difficult they have been. I know church at home has been nice for many and maybe a blessing of more spiritual strength for some but for us, it has somewhat been a burden. I can’t truly share how hard it was without explaining so many different things but to sum it up, I felt drained and empty. Our son with special needs has struggled with going to church all of his life. Going to church has caused constant overstimulation, combined with his inability to focus and so many other struggles he faces church always leaves him frustrated, angry, and not cooperative. I know deep down that he appreciates church but for everything going on in his mind, church is extremely hard. When it is hard for him, it is hard for Matt and I. Doing church at home did not ease the struggles like I thought it would, it amplified them. 

It was difficult to even fit just the sacrament into the day. We did it but it was not easy. After a while, I realized that although going to church was always very difficult it was worth it for me. It was worth the struggle we always faced to sit in the chapel for those few moments while I got to renew my covenants and enjoy the blessings of this gospel. Even though church is overstimulating for McKay he can somehow sit through it quietly and mostly calm. At home, he could not. No matter how hard it was getting kids ready to go to church and enduring their noises that always frustrated me I realized today that I didn’t mind their minimal noises compared to how hard it had been at home.

The sacrament today felt sweet to me. Like a load lifted off of me. Four months ago sacrament meeting didn’t feel light it felt heavy. It was hard. Church didn’t change, I did. Before this break church was a burden for what we were dealing with. Today we were still dealing with all the same hard things but it felt so worth it. It made the burden feel lighter.

Having a break from the one thing that has always been a constant to me opened up my eyes. I was taking church for granted. It was there and I went. Maybe even most weeks because that’s just what I do. I didn’t think much of it. Today church felt sweet. It lifted my heart. It gave me peace. I was rejuvenated.

I think that is exactly what the gospel is meant to be to us. This lifting, building us up, and rejuvenating experience. It is to bring us joy. It is to connect us to Jesus Christ. It gives our lives purpose. I had casually over my lifetime let the rejuvenating and lifting up part of the gospel slide past my awareness. I think it was happening but I wasn’t seeing it. Today I was seeing it clearly. Losing the privilege of going is what brought a new awareness to me.

The tender words from amazing grace come to my mind “was blind but now I see” Today I got to have my eyes opened up to the joy of living this gospel and what it truly means to me. I love it with everything inside of me. It is what gives my life meaning and keeps me going. Life is so hard. I need the peace and strength that comes from the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.