I have a very rare moment of nothing to do so I thought I’d take a moment to actually sit down and write. It’s been so freakishly busy that I feel like my life is simultaneously in fast forward and in some ways paused. All at the same time. I don’t like it so much but I’m learning how to be patient. I’m not good at that.
Update on IVF for anyone who is interested, we finally got two good embryos and the week before Christmas we had one of them put into my uterus [an embryo transfer] and…. It didn’t work.
Yeah, ouch. It’s been the hardest thing to get hopes up and go through this intense grueling process to then have it fail. It’s been hard and I start to think I am past the pain but then the other day I came across our picture of that little embryo and realized that all the pain is nice and still alive it’s just not as close to the surface as it was when we found out.
I wrote a different blog post about that failure but to summarize, it stinks. Going into this I thought because God directed us this way it would just work. First try. Guess what, just because God directs you to do something does not mean there is immediate success. We’ve experienced heart-wrenching failure multiple times and that is hard to carry. I’m learning to carry it and because of it I’m becoming softened. I’m getting closer to God. I’m becoming more empathetic to anyone who goes through hard things, any type of hard thing that doesn’t come out as expected. I’m becoming different. I see my life and the lives around me differently. I don’t think that would have come if my path had been different. Although the pain hurts and I hate it, I see that I’m changing and I am grateful for that part.
We met with my doctor and he had me do some testing. I had to do three weeks of meds and one of those weeks adding shots to the mix to do a mock transfer and instead of transferring an embryo they did a biopsy of my uterus. Word of advice, avoid that procedure if you ever can. It KILLED! Okay, maybe I’m being dramatic and maybe it’s not so bad for other people but I was miserable.
Now, we wait. They are testing for any inflammation and a whole lot of other things that take a bit to explain but we don’t get to move on till this testing process is over.
Honestly, the break is good. My emotions, health, and energy need this break. I don’t know when we’ll try for that last little embryo baby but I’m grateful for the break. I'm also incredibly grateful for that last embryo. I'm so glad we have one more chance.
We are in the middle of a bunch of different hard things outside of IVF that a break is pretty much a necessity. Some days I feel like this intense trial will never end along with the other trials we’re currently balancing but I keep telling myself that someday it will. I look forward to this ending but I’m also intensely grateful for a Heavenly Father who is teaching me amazing life lessons through these tough trials.
God is amazing to me. His love and ability to help me through something so difficult has been an incredible blessing to me. I don't love what I'm going through but I love knowing God better. Being taught that he loves me makes this worth the battle. I'll keep going as long as He is by my side, helping me through.
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